Unconditional Positive Regard: Why It Matters in Therapy and Everyday Life

When I first learned about the idea of unconditional positive regard from Carl Rogers (the psychologist who developed person-centred therapy), I understood it rather differently from how I do now. Perhaps the phrase itself, or the fact that English is not my first language, played a part. I thought it meant being especially encouraging: offering praise, finding something positive to say, giving compliments.

As I have spent more time working with people and learning about relationships, I have come to understand it as something quieter and deeper. It is a way of holding on to a person’s worth, including when they are struggling, making mistakes, or behaving in a way that needs to change.

This does not mean telling someone that everything they do is fine. I can say, “That hurt me,” or “I cannot allow that,” while still seeing the person in front of me as more than this one action. Acceptance of a person and approval of a behaviour are different things.

I often think about this in parenting. A young child can be overwhelmed and lash out, refuse to cooperate, or say something painful. They still need a limit. But they also need to know that the difficult moment has not made them a bad child or cost them their parent’s love. We might say, “I won’t let you hit. I can see you’re very angry, and I’m here to help.”

I think this becomes especially important when we parent teenagers. We hear so often that teenagers are rebellious or disrespectful that it can be easy to see their behaviour through that lens. When a teenager gets into trouble, we may be frightened or angry. Yet the trouble is also happening to them, even if their own choices played a part in it. They need us to take the situation seriously without deciding that this mistake tells us who they are. A teenager who knows they can tell us the truth and still be loved has more room to reflect on what happened, take responsibility, and ask for help.

Something similar happens between adults. In a tense moment, it can become easy to see our partner through a fixed negative picture: They never care. They are always selfish. Terry Real calls this a “core negative image.” Gottman’s idea of positive sentiment override also makes me think about how the view we hold of someone shapes the meaning we give to their actions. These ideas do not ask us to ignore what happened. They invite us to notice when our interpretation has become the whole person.

And perhaps the hardest place to practise unconditional positive regard is with ourselves. When I make a mistake, can I acknowledge it, apologise, and make a change without deciding that I am a bad person? Can I offer myself the same combination of honesty and compassion that I hope to offer someone else? Self-acceptance does not take away accountability. It can make it less frightening to look honestly at ourselves.

For me, unconditional positive regard is an ongoing practice, not a demand to feel warmly towards everyone at every moment. It means trying to see a whole person while being honest about their behaviour. I can care about someone and still say, “This hurt me,” set a firm boundary, or step away when I need to feel safe.

That is the kind of relationship I hope to offer in therapy, and the kind of relationship I keep learning to build in life.